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  • A Valentine’s Day Letter to the people from the alligators of the white house lawn

    ❤️ My Dear Fellow Americans ❤️, It is with great pleasure (and no small amount of swamp water) that we, the newly appointed Guardians of the White House Lawn, write to inform you that…

  • The great purge, the letter “I”

    Ladies and gentlemen, rejoice! We have done it. We have cleansed our society of the most dangerous, most radical, most utterly terrifying concepts ever conceived: Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion. The D is dead! No…

  • The Great Purge, the letter “E”

    Ladies and gentlemen, patriots and plutocrats, corporate overlords and the everyday peasant-class Americans scraping by on whatever crumbs remain after the billionaires take their share—it is time to rejoice! At long last, we are…

  • The great purge, the letter “D”

    Ladies and gentlemen, gather ’round and bear witness to the latest and greatest innovation in political thought—nay, a revelation so bold, so daring, so magnificently absurd that it belongs in the annals of history…

  • monday, slothing it

    Dear Friends, enjoy today’s letter: As the sun rises on this fine Monday, February 10, 2025, I find myself compelled to address the collective groan echoing across the nation. It seems that the aftermath…

  • Superbowl Letter: Joy, resist

    February 8, 2025 A Super Bowl Letter of Joy, Freedom, and Strategic Resistance Dear Fellow Citizens of this Great and Perpetually Baffling Nation, The Super Bowl is upon us once more as a grand…

  • The great Glazed indecision

    This morning, I set out with a simple goal: to buy 4 donuts. FOUR: Not a philosophical doctrine, not a federal budget proposal, just four sugary circles of joy. I even knew what I…

  • Congratulations to the United States of America: You Are No Longer the Envy of the World

    Dear Fellow Americans, Gather ‘round, citizens, and take a bow. For decades, the world gazed upon our great nation with a mixture of admiration, jealousy, and begrudging respect. They watched our movies, ate our…